chriek: (...そう。)
bri ([personal profile] chriek) wrote2017-06-07 05:44 pm
Entry tags:

第4話

The sentence I've been most manipulated by in life has amounted to: "If you really cared about me, you'd ____________."

Well, that's nice. Just box me right into your agenda there.

The irony is that because I feel so pressured to "prove" that I care, I end up keeping to myself. So then I get disappointed with myself that I'm not showing the care that I do feel and it's one big ball of miserable. I get so tired. I don't want to feel bad anymore. I do like people but I don't want to meet their every need. I don't want to take care of how they feel or have to put them ahead of me in my own priorities. I'm not talking about dire circumstances, I'm talking about everyday life. Boundaries are so hard for me (even though I keep making small ones) because I've never been allowed to have them before without being accused of the highest goddamn treason. "How can say you care when you only come over once a week?" "How can you say you care if you just do things you like to do? Don't you care about how others are doing?" (This was about anime. Anime. Apparently I was seriously dissing everyone on the planet by watching Gintama. WHY COULDN'T I THINK OF THE WORLD WHAT'S WRONG WITH ME WANTING TO ENJOY MYSELF HOW SHAMEFUL)

Oh my god, ENJOYMENT. CAN I JUST TELL YOU. Every time I had fun my dad would ask if I really thought it was the best use of my time. WAS BEING HAPPY THE BEST USE OF MY TIME. You know? You're right. MUCH BETTER TO SPEND MY HOURS SERVING YOUR EVERY LAST WHIM INSTEAD OF PUTTING A SMILE ON MY OWN FACE

I LIVE TO BE AT YOUR BECK AND CALL

WHO WOULDN'T

(ノಥДಥ)ノ︵┻━┻・/

I put up with so much. SO. MUCH.

IS HAVING FUN THE BEST USE OF YOUR TIME? IS IT?!??!!?!

But at the time I felt guilty. For enjoying anything at all. For wanting to write for myself and not in order to save the world in some grandiose fucking way that my father decided I was going to do. Even though he had ALWAYS RAGGED ON MY WRITING until someone he found impressive expressed interest in the fact that I wrote. (This person had named a minor character after my father in one of his books.) Then writing became something my father HAD ALWAYS ENCOURAGED? Because I MISREMEMBER EVERYTHING. Or I TOOK IT THE WRONG WAY and MISUNDERSTOOD the annoyed look on his face when I had my laptop on hand. I made up all those little "tch!"s of impatience. I AM ALL PROBLEMS AND MEMORY ISSUES LET ME TELL YOU

I JUST WANTED TO BE HAPPY. But anything I liked came under attack. My interest in Classics was me not caring about Judaism. (Should point out that my father worked in GERMANY for over a year. Because if we're going to go by his stupid logic IT SHOULD APPLY ACROSS THE BOARD. But no, that was about him being culturally accepting! WHAT. The Holocaust is a lot more recent than ANCIENT FUCKING GREEKS. But okay, YOUR LOGIC IS PERFECTLY SOUND. PERFECTLY.)

HE was the one who signed me up into Japanese class when I wanted to take French in high school then got mad when I actually liked the culture and its media. "Why do you want to do and learn all that stuff? Asians don't care about you, they only care about themselves." This is from the CULTURALLY ACCEPTING gentleman in the above paragraph.

And forget my love of writing. Just forget it. You don't know how many times that was attacked. I was wasting my time, I wasn't living enough, didn't I want more from life, why did I have to read, it hurt him to see me reading... relentless fucking attacks to get me to stop. Because doing something I liked meant he wasn't controlling me so of course it had to stop. If I was to be happy, it would be when he demanded that emotion from me. HUMANS ARE PUPPETS LA LA LA

(Can you feel the bitterness? I could grind it up and boil it into the harshest espresso of rage.)

Oh, but then he realized my writing was HANDY. So he demanded I write stuff up for him, like business letters and pamphlets. WHAT THE HELL. And it was the MOST BORING WRITING IMAGINABLE. My father likes to prattle on and pretend he's fucking interesting as shit but if you listen to him as much as I have it makes you want to re-enact that last scene from Pi. JUST STOP TALKING WHATEVER YOU'RE AMAZING YOU'RE GREAT OKAY I GET IT SO PLEASE GO AWAY YOU'RE HURTING MY BRAIN

And if I didn't want to write for him? "I thought you'd want to help me. In our family we help each other out but I guess I didn't pass that on to you."

I GUESS I DIDN'T PASS THAT ON TO YOU

BECAUSE YOU WON'T DO THE THING THAT BENEFITS ME EVEN THOUGH YOU'VE ALREADY DONE IT SEVERAL TIMES ALREADY

SO I HAVE TO THROW A PASSIVE-AGGRESSIVE LITTLE SHIT FIT

DON'T YOU CARE OH I GUESS NOT BUT I'LL BE THE BIGGER PERSON BY SAYING IT'S OKAY

IT'S OKAY, I ACCEPT THAT YOU DON'T CARE ABOUT YOUR FATHER I STILL LOVE YOU

凸ಠ益ಠ)凸 FUCK YOUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUU

CAN ANYONE COMPREHEND THE INTENSITY OF MY BITTERNESS

DO YOU UNDERSTAND THE CONDESCENSION

THE COVERT BULLSHIT

MY COMPLETE FUCKING ANGER

This isn't someone asking you to help them. It's someone demanding it. It's the stupid little accusations made when you don't comply. It's the fake gallantry at being able to "forgive" you for their assumption that you were actually generous. They're sorry for making that mistake!

He wasn't the only one. My stepmother said she could ONLY be happy if I came over to see her several times a week. That was the ONLY THING that would make her happy. Not a book club, not a trip, JUST ME THERE FOR HER TO ABUSE EVERY DAMN DAY. DIDN'T I SEE I WAS HURTING HER BY NOT FORGING A CLOSER RELATIONSHIP WHY WAS I MAKING IT SO HARD DIDN'T I UNDERSTAND THAT IT WAS SO PAINFUL FOR HER

GOD I AM ALL DISAPPOINTMENT

FOR NOT WANTING TO BE ABUSED

SHAME ON ME, RIGHT?!?!

She used to regularly pick fights with my father just to see how upset it would get me. She'd make snooty little comments about me and then berate me for my "sensitivity" with laughter in her eyes.

Me not wanting to be around that? MOST UNCARING DAUGHTER AWARD #1

Sarcasm is the only way I can say what I mean about this. Because I'm mad, not sad. I don't give a damn that they turned out to be shitty. I don't care what their motivations were and I'm not sitting around wishing things were different. But the shit they said to me - LIVID. I PUT UP WITH THINGS BECAUSE I WAS HURT. That sounds backwards... It was the accusation that I didn't care that felt so damn torturous. It was really a covert demand to prove myself. Which is INSULTING.

I want to have relationships with people but NOT TO PROVE THAT I CARE ABOUT THEM. Nor do I want to take care of their feelings - and god do I feel guilty for that! "They're hurting, I have to help them..." My dad pulled the fake victim shit on me so much that I believed I was being unfair by asking him to stop making fun of me. BECAUSE I WAS PREVENTING HIM FROM BEING ABLE TO SPEAK FREELY BY TAKING IT PERSONALLY

I wish I were joking.

But he and my stepmother pulled the whole "how can we be okay if YOU don't help us?" I mean, this started when I was five. "How can I feel happy if you don't _________?"

HOW CAN I, A GROWN MAN, BE OKAY WITHOUT THE HELP OF HIS FIVE-YEAR-OLD DAUGHTER

A GROWN MAN OF FORTY-FIVE WITH FULL HEALTH, A PH.D, AND A HIGH-PAYING JOB CAN HARDLY BE EXPECTED TO TAKE CARE OF HIMSELF

This is a big goddamn part of the reason I don't think I want kids. Because I feel like I've had one all my life with ZERO childhood or freedom. Why the fuck would I want to give up more of my life to someone else when I am BARELY getting to experience life now? I ALREADY HAD MOST OF MINE TAKEN!!

FUCK THAT!

(The other reason for no kids is psychopathy is thought to be genetic. I'm... not really cool with rolling the dice on that one. There's no way I'd keep a psychopathic kid. But that means someone else would get stuck with them via adoption or whatever and I don't feel good about that, either. Not for the kid's sake but for the people around him or her whose lives would be ruined.)

... I JUST REALISED SOMETHING. AND IT'S MADE ME VERY GODDAMN ANGRY (even more so than I already was).

My father had this big plan for me to become a "businesswoman." That's why he had me study Japanese - because Japan was a booming economy at the time. I had to study Economics because I needed to understand how the world worked (or something). I had to do business and be good at it. He started in on this when I was about seven or eight years old. AND I UNDERSTAND IT NOW.

Despite his abilities, HE DOESN'T LIKE TO WORK. Which is 10,000% typical for sociopaths. They are professional moochers. He's almost always mooched off of someone, usually female. Before my stepmother, other women kind of took him in. HE RELIED ON IT. And I've just realised that all this guilt I felt over wanting to do something other than what he had planned - ALL THIS GUILT THAT'S FELT SO AGONIZING--

WAS BECAUSE I WAS BEING GROOMED TO BE HIS MEAL TICKET

NO, YOU DON'T UNDERSTAND

YOU DON'T UNDERSTAND ALL THE CONVERSATIONS WE HAD ABOUT THIS

YOU DON'T UNDERSTAND HOW MANY TIMES HE TOLD ME I "MISUNDERSTOOD"

HOW MANY TIMES HE SAID IT WAS BECAUSE HE WANTED "THE BEST FOR ME"

HOW I WAS NAIVE AND HE WANTED ME TO REACH MY FULL "POTENTIAL"

THAT I WAS "SETTLING" AND NEEDED TO BE "RESPONSIBLE"

HE MEANT RESPONSIBLE FOR HIM

NO, YOU DON'T GET HOW MAD I AM

I COULD TEAR BLOOD OUT OF A PERSON RIGHT NOW

YEAH, I SAID TEAR BLOOD I DON'T GIVE A SHIT IF IT DOESN'T MAKE SENSE

I know I'm right about this. I know because the few times my stepmother threatened to kick him out of the house and challenged him about "what're you going to do if I really kick you out" he said "live with Bri." He said it every time.

I WAS SUPPOSED TO BE HIS MEAL TICKET

I WAS BEING GROOMED FROM THE START

WHAT THE ACTUAL FUCK

All this stuff I've believed and it was all to get me to make money for him, so he could take it easy. WHAT A BUNCH OF ASSETRY. WHAT THE HELL DID I ENDURE FOR THAT TO BE THE ENDGAME? WHAT A SHITTY PIECE OF NOTHING TO BRAINWASH YOUR DAUGHTER INTO FEELING GUILTY SO SHE'D COMPLY

Except it didn't REALLY work, did it? I'm NOT successful, because I can't stand this shit. I also threw your ass to the curb so good work on that one, asshole!

No wonder. No wonder about the letters he kept sending. No wonder about the contact attempts and the stalking. I'M GLAD YOUR PLAN FAILED YOU DON'T DESERVE ME

That also explains why he got panicky when my stepmother was in the hospital that one time. I remember we went to Denny's and he said it was the first time he realized she might not be around as long as him. HAHAHA WHAT A THING TO SAY. Not "she won't be around forever" but "she might not be around as long as me." "I gotta stock up on my sugarmommas" is what he may as well have said.

You don't know how much contempt I hold for this man. He really got to me. As he would - I WAS A GODDAMN CHILD WITH LITTLE ACCESS TO HEALTHY ADULTS. But even with that handicap, I still ditched him.

AHAHAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAAHHAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHA

I feel 0% bad about it.

The residue of his brainwashing is still annoying to deal with, though. I wanted to get closer to the bottom of it but it's late and my brain is ready for bed. WHERE IS MY CATHARSIS I WANT IT

Guess I'll have to be patient and save it for another enry. Because I'm so great at waiting... (-__-;)

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